How My Daughter Started Cleaning Her Room

My daughter’s room used to look like a typical teenager’s room – in other words, a complete mess. The “clean your room or I’ll take your phone away” types of punishments motivated her to keep it clean for a day or two, but inevitably it returned to a frustrating state of messiness and the process repeated over and over.

One day I was walking through the kitchen and saw her creating a beautiful piece of art. I admired the picture and offered to buy a frame so she could hang it in her room.

“Are there other decorating changes you’d like to make to personalize your space?”

Soon she was off and running, a whole redesign in the works. She painted walls, rearranged furniture, and added pictures. And since then, she’s done a great job of keeping her room clean. She owns her space proudly.

It’s tempting to correct our kids’ bad behaviors using punishments like taking their phones away. It often works in the short-term. Finding long-term solutions is a bit harder. Here are some tips to get you started:

Be present in your child’s everyday life.

Does your child feel heard and respected? Negative behavior often starts as a plea for attention. Become a presence in your child’s life every day, even if it’s just a quick check-in at bedtime asking how things are going.

Tell your child how well he or she is doing.

Self-esteem isn’t something we inherit or develop spontaneously. Remind your children how valuable they are on a regular basis. It’s like making small deposits in a self-esteem bank – it adds up slowly and steadily. When your children feel valued and connected to you, they are more likely to respond positively when you ask them to do something.

Give your child opportunities to voice an opinion.

"Where do you want to go for our family vacation?" "How do you want to decorate your room?" "What would you like to make for dinner?" Giving your child a voice in family affairs creates a sense of inclusion and ownership. Your son or daughter will be more motivated to participate and keep things running well if they have a stake in the outcome.

Have questions? Stuck on a specific issue? Join us for our upcoming Strong Supportive Parents Class to learn how to help your child succeed in this high-pressure world. In just 8 weekly sessions, you’ll learn supportive skills including:

• Communication skills to break down defensiveness and withdrawal
• Connection skills to build your child’s self-esteem and confidence
• Commitment skills to promote healthy behaviors and choices

Classes start soon! Contact us today for more information.

"I'm here if you want to talk."

My daughter sits on the couch watching TV. She’s been through some rough patches lately. The “fix it Mom” part of me wants to press her for details and do whatever possible to help. But I’ve seen how that approach backfires, so instead I take a seat next to her, say “I’m here if you want to talk,” and settle in to watch TV.

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is seeing your child hurting and not fixing it right away. As our kids grow and become more independent, we have to let go more, allow them to make their own mistakes and find their own solutions. But we still want them to reach out when they need help… so how do we find that middle ground between over-fixing and not doing anything?

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

As human beings, we are wired to react with emotions. Our first instinct is to feel, not to stay calm. This can have the negative effect of amplifying the problem. Our kids are receptive to our emotions as parents. If we are worried or angry or frustrated, our kids sense that something is wrong and shut down.

Responding with calmness allows our kids to feel safe. When kids feel safe, they are more likely to open up and share what’s going on. Responding with empathy creates a sense of connection. When kids feel connected, they are more likely to ask for help and consider new ideas.

It’s a difficult line for parents to walk. Here are some quick tips to responding with empathy and calmness:

• Respect your child’s space. Give them time to process their emotions. 

• Make your presence known. Hang around the house with your kids, even if you don’t say or do much.

• Offer a few words to let them know you are available. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Be patient but observant. Let them come to you, but watch for signs of a more serious problem.

• Ask questions before offering solutions. Help your kids find their own solutions instead of fixing it for them.

• Find healthy ways to work through your own emotions. Kids learn and model the behaviors they see in their parents.

• Be patient with yourself. Parenting is one of the most challenging experiences in life. Continue learning and practicing new skills.

Ready to learn more parenting skills and strategies? Join us for our upcoming Parent Support Skills class! Contact us for more details.

What's your kid's most annoying behavior?

What’s the most annoying behavior your kid has, and how do you respond?

As the parent of three teenagers, I know how easy it is to provide multiple answers to that question. Every kid goes through a stage that taxes your patience.

One of the most common behaviors that parents worry about is withdrawal and unresponsiveness. Sometimes we can chalk it up to annoying teenage rebellion. But in this high-pressure world we live in, that behavior can also be a red flag that their child is struggling with something serious.

So how do you respond?

Our responses as parents generally fall into three categories:

A) Get Angry

Kids can really push our buttons. We’ve all had moments when we’ve lost our patience and wanted to yell. Although it might feel good to vent out our frustrations, it doesn’t provide an effective solution to our kids’ behavior.

B) Walk Away

If we feel like we can’t deal with the issue, we may be tempted to ignore it and hope it fixes itself. It’s easier to shut down and pretend that things are okay than it is to face a situation that seems overwhelming.

C) Start Talking

Parenting is one of the biggest and scariest adventures of our lives. Our kids have to learn so many things and there are so many problems they might experience. Maybe the best place to start is to just calmly ask, “What’s up?”

It’s not unusual for parents to go through all of these reactions multiple times even in the course of a single day. The most effective responses are the ones that provide your child with a sense of safety and acceptance.

Whether their most annoying behavior is something small like never making the bed or leaving dirty dishes around, or it’s something more concerning like withdrawal or defensiveness, something prompted the behavior to begin. If we can stay calm and encourage our kids to be open with their thoughts and feelings, eventually the real issues come out.

Being a parent is a learning process. Patience and persistence are essential, both with our kids and with ourselves. Think again about your answer to the opening question. How have you responded to your kid’s behavior this week? What can you do to encourage open communication?

Are you ready to learn more skills to help your child succeed?

Coming soon, we will start a new “Strong Supportive Parents” group for parents of children of all ages. In just 8 weekly sessions, parents will learn supportive skills including:

• Communication skills to break down defensiveness and withdrawal
• Connection skills to build their child’s self-esteem and confidence
• Commitment skills to promote healthy behaviors and choices 

Contact us to learn more.

What are you looking forward to today?

“If it wasn’t for this group, I probably wouldn’t have even left the house today.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard clients tell me this, but each time makes me smile.

The first reaction I receive from clients when I mention group support is usually hesitation. They don’t feel that they can contribute, or the idea of sharing their personal stories is too overwhelming. “Can’t I get better on my own? Do you really think I’m ready?”

Sometimes it takes a few sessions before they speak up. They see that the other group members are in similar places with similar struggles, and their comfort level grows. Connections begin to grow naturally.

At some point they miss a session. When the return the following week, the other members ask, “Is everything okay? We missed you last time.” My clients start to realize not just the importance of group to their recovery but also the importance of their presence to the group.

Group becomes something that they look forward to, something that helps them get moving even on the toughest days. The connections to other group members are as valuable to their healing progress as any words said in an individual session. Many clients are more likely to do something for others before they will do something for themselves, but group gives them the opportunity to do both.

What are you looking forward to today? What makes you excited to greet the world outside of your front door? We all have days when staying in bed seems like a good idea. But before you pull the covers over your head, give these strategies a try:

• Make a list of things that you look forward to each day – your connection with friends, a healthy routine, helping others, appreciating nature’s beauty, whatever it is for you. Place your list somewhere you see every day, first thing in the morning.

• Make a commitment to show up for yourself or for someone else. Make a big note in your calendar. Think about it ahead of time and why it’s important to you.

• Keep a gratitude journal. Write down one thing you are thankful for each morning. When you are having a rough day, come back to that one thing.

• Focus on one thing at a time. Our “to do” lists can become so long that we anxiously avoid doing anything at all. Don’t try to do or think about everything at once. Put all your energy into one thing and see what happens.

• Forgive bad days. They are part of the process. But don’t feel that you need to wait until your alarm clock goes off tomorrow morning to start fresh. You don’t need a new day, just a new moment – and each moment is new.

"Mom Who Walks The Track"

Like many of you, I have a very busy schedule. I see clients, run my own business, teach fitness classes, raise three kids and maintain our family home… It doesn’t leave much time for a trip to the spa, or even eating, sleeping, and breathing.

But if I didn’t do things for myself, it wouldn’t take long for me to go crazy. I started finding small outlets that could fit into my hectic life. If I had a free hour between clients, I got a massage. I brought books and magazines to doctors’ offices to read while I waited. Instead of checking email on my phone while at my kids’ sports practices, I walking the track. And so I became known to the other parents as “Mom Who Walks The Track.”

We aren’t meant to run 24-7. Even a short self-care break can be like pressing the restart button on your computer – a lot of the glitches go away after a reboot. In the case of humans, science supports it. More and more studies are showing the benefits of mental breaks:

• Reduced Stress
• Improved Concentration
• Mood Stability
• Higher Energy Levels
• Stronger Immune Function
• Reduced Physical Tension
• Improved Quality of Life 

You don’t have to make drastic changes to your life to reap these rewards. Take a look at your schedule for today. Do you have a ten-minute break anywhere? Brainstorm some ideas of what you can do for you during those short times.

Here are some ideas to get you started, depending on how much time you have:

Just a few minutes: Meditate

Set the timer on your phone. Close your eyes and focus on your breath – each deep inhale, each slow exhale, and the feel of the breath on the tip of your nose. As other thoughts intrude into your mind, bring your focus back to your breath and let those thoughts drift away again. Perfect for sitting in the car between errands and picking up your kids.

Fifteen to thirty minutes: Practice Yoga

Pick a few easy-to-travel-with postures. You don’t necessarily need a mat or yoga pants or anything else – just yourself. Check out some of the standing poses from the Ashtanga primary series for ideas. Find a spot and let yourself go! If other people are watching, it’s only because they wish they were practicing yoga, too.

An Hour or more: Fitness Training

You can get a great full-body workout in an hour that will recharge you for the rest of the day. Schedule a session with a personal trainer to guide you or help create a routine. You can do a lot with just your body weight and a pair of good sneakers. And if you see me walking the track at your kid’s next practice, come join me!

Here at Total Health Concepts, we encourage the entire family to get involved in health and wellness. Do you have a free hour between appointments or while waiting for your child’s session to end? Schedule a massage or personal training session with our qualified staff members, or join one of our yoga and mindfulness groups. Contact us for more details.