How We Can Overcome Fear of Connection

How often do we sit with our spouses or partners and really give them our undivided attention? Put away the cell phones, set aside the work papers, turn off the TV and really listen to what our partners are saying?

It’s harder than it sounds. I’ve been on both sides of the conversation – the distracted one and the one asking for connection. I’ve reached across the table, held my partner’s hands, looked into his eyes and asked him to just be there with me for a moment. It’s terrifying to open ourselves up to possible rejection.

But the other side can be terrifying, too. Why do we hide behind our phones, work, and other distractions when we want connection? We crave it, but we fear acting on it. What’s holding us back?

• Fear we won’t be good at it. If we aren’t good at connecting, if we’re just going to fail anyway, then shouldn’t we save ourselves the trouble of trying?

• Fear it won’t last. “Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” – advice easier heard than followed when we know how much loss hurts.

• Fear we don’t deserve it. We aren’t good enough, smart enough, happy enough, or beautiful enough to connect with this person.

• Fear we will want more. If we get a taste of connection and really like it, we might want more. What if we can’t get more?

• Fear we will be rejected. If this person doesn’t connect with us, it must be because of something we did or said. They didn’t like us enough to reach out.

No one likes to get hurt, and it’s instinctual to protect ourselves from perceived dangers. Yet giving into our fears keeps us stuck in a perpetual cycle of craving more but running from the attempt. How can we acknowledge our feelings but still reach out for connection?

• Set aside the distractions and sit with uncomfortable. Those awkward lulls in conversation, uncertain eye contact, fidgety body language – we’re quickly tempted to grab the nearest distraction. Instead, give yourself a moment to work through it. Take a deep breath and let silence happen.

• Counter your assumptions. What are this person’s motives? Do they want something? Do they have it out for me? We tend to make up stories in our heads to fill in for what we don’t know. Let go of your assumptions about the person across from you – good and bad. Be honest with yourself about what’s actually there.

• Remind yourself that it’s not all about you. It’s easy to personalize rejection. But we don’t know everything that’s going on with the person across from us. They could be having a really bad day, or maybe they're as bad at connecting as we are. When someone doesn’t reach out to you, it’s much more likely because of something going on with them, not because of you.

• Use each situation as an opportunity to practice. Not every social situation is going to go well. When we run into people who aren’t giving back the connection we seek, we can use it as an opportunity to work through our own fears. What does this situation bring up for you? How can you approach things differently next time?

• Adjust your expectations. Although some people are more extrovert than others, social skills are learned. Just like other skills, practice makes them better. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you “screw up.” We learn the most from our mistakes. Even when things don’t go your way, trust that you did the best you could in the present circumstances with where you are now.

Are you struggling to create connections in your life? We want to help by starting where you are and developing a personalized approach to health and connection. Contact us today to set up a free 30-minute consultation.  

The Most Important Thing I've Learned About Connection

It’s a theme I see again and again with my clients – the desire for connection. For some, it’s connection to self. For others, it’s connection to family or partner. In some way, we all are looking for connection. I’ve been counseling others for thirty years, but recently I’ve found that there is more for me to learn about connection, too.

It’s hard to connect with anyone or anything when I’m not there for it. When was the last time I sat in stillness with myself? When was the last time I talked to my staff to visit, not to instruct? When was the last time I saw the cherry blossoms blooming in DC?

The past few years have been so busy that I’ve rarely taken these moments. There’s always something more to do, someplace else to be, something bigger to worry about. When was the last time I let myself exist completely in the present moment without any of these other thoughts?

As I’ve been realizing this for myself, I’ve made a conscious effort to pause for these moments. When I go to teach classes at my gym, I arrive a few minutes early just to soak up the atmosphere and chat with the members. When I have a break between clients, I chat with my staff about their lives outside of work. I’m taking a few seconds to notice the beautiful flowers popping up all around me – almost literally stopping to smell the roses.

And I’m discovering that, as I practice giving my complete attention to the present moment, my connections are growing stronger. I’m feeling more aware and at peace with myself. I’m renewing the friendships I have with my coworkers. I feel blessed to live in a world that can deliver such amazing displays as nature during springtime.

When we are present in the moment, we find connection. It sounds like such an easy concept, but it’s incredibly hard to put into practice. Our thoughts tend to focus on the past or the future, but the past is gone and the future isn’t here yet. This moment is here. This is the moment when we can form connections with others, our environment, and ourselves.

How can you be present in the moment today? Maybe wake up ten minutes early just to sit still and be with yourself. Maybe sit across from a friend at lunch and give them your undivided attention. Maybe take a short walk after work to look at all the greenery around you. Practice with small things, and you may find that small things aren’t so small after all.

Are you struggling to create connections in your life? We want to help by starting where you are and developing a personalized approach to health and connection. Contact us today to set up a free 30-minute consultation.  

A House Full of Learning Opportunities

My daughter and I spent spring break looking at colleges. I’ve done this before with my sons, but it’s still hard to let go. I want to do something, anything, to make sure my kids are okay when they enter the world on their own.

But my daughter and I have spent years preparing for this moment: independence. Both of us have taken small steps – I’ve given her more responsibilities and she’s made efforts to learn – that have led us to be ready. I trust that she’ll be okay and can handle what comes her way, and she trusts that, too.

I nostalgically remember all the pink socks and destroyed meals that got us to this point. My kids learned to cook through making dinners – some creatively delicious, others destined for the garbage disposal. Learning to do laundry has led to some pink socks periodically. My kids were allowed to have friends visit after mowing the lawn and picking up the living room.

These may seem like small things, but including my kids in household chores has taught them to learn by doing even (especially) when they make mistakes. That’s an invaluable skill in developing independence. I’ve encouraged them to find their own unique ways to approach the little things so that they can use the same approach with the big things.

I often see the opposite situation in my work. Parents want to take care of their kids, provide everything they need, and make sure everything goes smoothly. All of these are natural instincts, but when parents hover and take charge of their kids’ lives, problems develop. Kids don’t learn to do things for themselves so they rely on their parents. Sometimes they becoming “pleasers” that feel compelled to do what their parents want instead of expressing their own personalities. When it’s time for them to go to college, they struggle to live independently of their family, unsure not just of what to do but how to figure out new situations. This can result in anxiety, depression, and failure to launch.

I encourage parents to give their kids opportunities to learn early and often. Even small things like letting my daughter pick out her own clothes provided important experiences. Sure, she may pick mismatched socks, ripped jeans, or pajama pants, but it gives her the chance to figure out who she is and what works for her. If she learns to do that with small things, then she can do that with bigger things like choosing a college or career. We’ve been building towards this moment for eighteen years, and nothing makes me happier than to know that she’s ready.

Are you ready to learn more about being a Strong Supportive Parent? Join us for our upcoming Strong Supportive Parents Class to learn how you can help your child succeed in this high-pressure world. In just 8 weekly sessions, you'll learn:

• Communication skills to break down defensiveness and withdrawal
• Connection skills to build your child's self-esteem and confidence
• Commitment skills to promote healthy behaviors and choices

Classes start soon! Contact us today for more information. 

How My Daughter Started Cleaning Her Room

My daughter’s room used to look like a typical teenager’s room – in other words, a complete mess. The “clean your room or I’ll take your phone away” types of punishments motivated her to keep it clean for a day or two, but inevitably it returned to a frustrating state of messiness and the process repeated over and over.

One day I was walking through the kitchen and saw her creating a beautiful piece of art. I admired the picture and offered to buy a frame so she could hang it in her room.

“Are there other decorating changes you’d like to make to personalize your space?”

Soon she was off and running, a whole redesign in the works. She painted walls, rearranged furniture, and added pictures. And since then, she’s done a great job of keeping her room clean. She owns her space proudly.

It’s tempting to correct our kids’ bad behaviors using punishments like taking their phones away. It often works in the short-term. Finding long-term solutions is a bit harder. Here are some tips to get you started:

Be present in your child’s everyday life.

Does your child feel heard and respected? Negative behavior often starts as a plea for attention. Become a presence in your child’s life every day, even if it’s just a quick check-in at bedtime asking how things are going.

Tell your child how well he or she is doing.

Self-esteem isn’t something we inherit or develop spontaneously. Remind your children how valuable they are on a regular basis. It’s like making small deposits in a self-esteem bank – it adds up slowly and steadily. When your children feel valued and connected to you, they are more likely to respond positively when you ask them to do something.

Give your child opportunities to voice an opinion.

"Where do you want to go for our family vacation?" "How do you want to decorate your room?" "What would you like to make for dinner?" Giving your child a voice in family affairs creates a sense of inclusion and ownership. Your son or daughter will be more motivated to participate and keep things running well if they have a stake in the outcome.

Have questions? Stuck on a specific issue? Join us for our upcoming Strong Supportive Parents Class to learn how to help your child succeed in this high-pressure world. In just 8 weekly sessions, you’ll learn supportive skills including:

• Communication skills to break down defensiveness and withdrawal
• Connection skills to build your child’s self-esteem and confidence
• Commitment skills to promote healthy behaviors and choices

Classes start soon! Contact us today for more information.

"I'm here if you want to talk."

My daughter sits on the couch watching TV. She’s been through some rough patches lately. The “fix it Mom” part of me wants to press her for details and do whatever possible to help. But I’ve seen how that approach backfires, so instead I take a seat next to her, say “I’m here if you want to talk,” and settle in to watch TV.

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is seeing your child hurting and not fixing it right away. As our kids grow and become more independent, we have to let go more, allow them to make their own mistakes and find their own solutions. But we still want them to reach out when they need help… so how do we find that middle ground between over-fixing and not doing anything?

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

As human beings, we are wired to react with emotions. Our first instinct is to feel, not to stay calm. This can have the negative effect of amplifying the problem. Our kids are receptive to our emotions as parents. If we are worried or angry or frustrated, our kids sense that something is wrong and shut down.

Responding with calmness allows our kids to feel safe. When kids feel safe, they are more likely to open up and share what’s going on. Responding with empathy creates a sense of connection. When kids feel connected, they are more likely to ask for help and consider new ideas.

It’s a difficult line for parents to walk. Here are some quick tips to responding with empathy and calmness:

• Respect your child’s space. Give them time to process their emotions. 

• Make your presence known. Hang around the house with your kids, even if you don’t say or do much.

• Offer a few words to let them know you are available. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Be patient but observant. Let them come to you, but watch for signs of a more serious problem.

• Ask questions before offering solutions. Help your kids find their own solutions instead of fixing it for them.

• Find healthy ways to work through your own emotions. Kids learn and model the behaviors they see in their parents.

• Be patient with yourself. Parenting is one of the most challenging experiences in life. Continue learning and practicing new skills.

Ready to learn more parenting skills and strategies? Join us for our upcoming Parent Support Skills class! Contact us for more details.