"I'm here if you want to talk."

My daughter sits on the couch watching TV. She’s been through some rough patches lately. The “fix it Mom” part of me wants to press her for details and do whatever possible to help. But I’ve seen how that approach backfires, so instead I take a seat next to her, say “I’m here if you want to talk,” and settle in to watch TV.

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is seeing your child hurting and not fixing it right away. As our kids grow and become more independent, we have to let go more, allow them to make their own mistakes and find their own solutions. But we still want them to reach out when they need help… so how do we find that middle ground between over-fixing and not doing anything?

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

As human beings, we are wired to react with emotions. Our first instinct is to feel, not to stay calm. This can have the negative effect of amplifying the problem. Our kids are receptive to our emotions as parents. If we are worried or angry or frustrated, our kids sense that something is wrong and shut down.

Responding with calmness allows our kids to feel safe. When kids feel safe, they are more likely to open up and share what’s going on. Responding with empathy creates a sense of connection. When kids feel connected, they are more likely to ask for help and consider new ideas.

It’s a difficult line for parents to walk. Here are some quick tips to responding with empathy and calmness:

• Respect your child’s space. Give them time to process their emotions. 

• Make your presence known. Hang around the house with your kids, even if you don’t say or do much.

• Offer a few words to let them know you are available. “I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Be patient but observant. Let them come to you, but watch for signs of a more serious problem.

• Ask questions before offering solutions. Help your kids find their own solutions instead of fixing it for them.

• Find healthy ways to work through your own emotions. Kids learn and model the behaviors they see in their parents.

• Be patient with yourself. Parenting is one of the most challenging experiences in life. Continue learning and practicing new skills.

Ready to learn more parenting skills and strategies? Join us for our upcoming Parent Support Skills class! Contact us for more details.